A Peak Into My Soul

I have always been a very sensitive person.  As a child I remember crying if someone looked at me wrong or laughed at me for doing something cute.  As a teenager the constant "don't be so sensitive" and tough love from some of my siblings did little to stop the feelings.  I just learned to not show them.  Even through my adult life the sensitivity is still there.  I'm constantly trying to hold back tears from this or that.  I usually don't voice my true feelings because I shouldn't be "so sensitive".  I'm sure many times my husband inwardly rolls his eyes each time I'm struggling with one thing or another thinking to himself, "here she goes again."  It's a bit irritating to me that I'm hurt so deeply by seemingly such small things.  I try so hard to brush it aside and once I think that I'm over it, all the same feelings come up again.  I want so badly to be the strong independent women that doesn't rely on the encouragement of others to feel good about herself.  I want to be happy for those in my life that have good things going on for them.  Instead I wish it was me doing those things or wishing I'd been included.  So, what is one to do?  Pretend that I'm the strong independent women who lets life's struggles roll off her back?  Or come to grips with the very sensitive women I am, who lets the tears fall and voices her feelings?  I guess it comes down to if I care what others think, and unfortunately, I do care.  The conclusion I've come to is I need to decide which people I care what they think of me, and go from there.  Maybe I can find a happy medium between the strong independent and the very sensitive.  Who says I can't be both?    

Quiet Book

I finally finished Charlie's quiet book.  I'm really pleased with the way it turned out and it was actually really easy.  I just hope that he likes it and uses it.  

Day Dreams

I know I haven't posted for quite a long time.  I haven't taken many pictures lately because of our hard drive being out of commission.  Which still makes me really sad and I continue to hope that by so miracle we'll get those pictures and videos back.  Tony is less than a month away from graduation.  I spend much of my time day dreaming of the wonderful job Tony will get.  The beautiful home we'll buy and fill with beautiful furniture that's not worn out and/or handed down from this relative or that.  Buying a family vehical.  Expanding our family.  Being able to do all the things that we've gone without for the last 3 1/2 years.  I know that in part I'm setting myself up for disappointment, because much of the time life isn't like we dream it to be.  At this point we have a job offer from Tony's current employer.  Which isn't necessarily bad, but we were certainly hoping for more options.  Tony's got some other job possibilities in the works, but that means waiting.  Which is frustrating to me who likes to know what's coming so I can plan and prepare for it.  Most likely we'll be moving, but who know when and where.  I'm definitely ready for a change and ready to more on with our lives.  Especially lives that don't revolve around Tony's school.  I hope that one day I can feel like I'm doing more than keeping my head above water.  That I can keep up on the house without neglecting the kids.  That I feel like I can take care of myself and my family.  That I feel like I can spend time doing the things I enjoy without neglecting other things.  I know many of you are thinking that I'll probably still struggle with all those things after Tony graduates.  That's the life of a wife and mother.  A juggling act, trying to decide what are the most important things to keep going and what things to leave until later.  We'll let's hope that some great opportunity comes along for Tony and I can live in my dream world for a little while at least.